Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
