i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize