I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
