I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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