i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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