you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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