I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
