i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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