so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
