my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
