I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
