i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize