apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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