OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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