Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
