addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
