remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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