She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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