woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she peed on how many people?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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