Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
