quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
