I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
