i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
