I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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