well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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