Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
