You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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