when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
