God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
