Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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