i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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