I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
