Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
