Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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