how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
They have beer where we have blood.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
