Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
