I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
