Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
