Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
