I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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