I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
