You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
