His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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