smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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