Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
