there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
