Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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