community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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