apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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