I'm jealous of your bromance
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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