I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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