Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
being pregnant is like rehab
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
