I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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