I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
