Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We need to get me chipped asap
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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