Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm at about main and main street
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
