nut hugger
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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