i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
