Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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