So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
