true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize