I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
