I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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