My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
