Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
