Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
