Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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