Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
