My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
